Bella Swan & the discovery of a victorian pervert
by trudi1312
Summary: realizing her selfish behaviour of the past months, she forms a plan to find forgivenss and to make things right. uncovering a few secrets and lemons on the way. AU
1. Revelations

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight I'm just playing**

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Chapter one. Revelations

I've never viewed my self as spoiled or a brat, but laying here on my bed it is taking all my strength not to jump up, stamp my feet and scream 'its not fair'. I could blame my parents for this, because really this should be out of my system by now. But no instead of stamped feet, thrown hair brushes, screaming matches and hormonal sulkage, I was reserved, sensible with a good head on my shoulders, making sure all was right in the world of Bella and Renée. Don't get me wrong that was me, still is me, that is who I am and you cant change the foundation of ones self and built in programming, I wouldn't want to. Now at 18 my former self is no where to be seen, and that is almost as infuriating as the reason for my proverbial hissy fit in the first place.

Right Bella you are a rational human being you need to think things through. I snort out loud at that one,

I know exactly why iam being a little bitch, my 109 year old moralistic virgin vampire fiancé slipping me the tongue for all of five seconds then freezing up and escaping to hunt, that's fucking why.

But the little twist in my gut and the rational little voice in the back of my head tells me what I already know, I am selfish.

"Arrgggghhhh" Slamming my head on my pillow, I turn my face and take a deep breath, his scent still lingers there and calms me instantly. Blaming my parents wont do any good, blaming Edward wont either. Its all of my own doing. He has treat me perfectly, lovingly and granted all of my wishes, (even if I do have to wait for the one I want the most) and all I have done is.. " holy fuck" Jesus, all I ve done is take.

I feel the tell tale prickle of tears and jump up and take another much needed deep breath. How can I have not seen this, how can I not of noticed my selfish behaviour, and for the love of god why the fuck didn't someone tell me.

" There you go again Bella" Selfish. Its high time I started acting like the adult I claim to be and fix this. I need my phone " phone, phone, phone" where is it.. Ahaa grabbing it from where I threw it earlier, god I'm a shit "bitch" I mutter to myself . Maybe I should stop with the self pity and get on with forming a plan. And maybe check my families mental health history, as I've spoken out loud more times in the last few minutes than is really normal. Focus Bella, right, opening up the phone I send a quick and simple txt

**I LOVE YOU BX**

I soon as I pressed send my heart felt slightly lighter and a small smile started tugging at the corners of my mouth, which turns into a full blown smile as seconds later my phone chirps signalling a incoming message. Fumbling with the keys I press open and the smile falls and those fucking tears are threatening to come back.

**AND I LOVE YOU. IS EVERYTHING OK? EX**

See, see, SEE. Fucking bitch. The love of my life, my soul mate thinks there is something wrong when I tell him I love him. How can he think that? I tell him every day. Which usually leads to cuddling and kissing and tongues and… and…

"Oh god." Does he think I only say it to get my own way? That I don't love him as much as he loves me? Of course he does he is my 109 year old moralistic virgin vampire fiancé that doesn't see him self worthy of any thing other than being called a monster. Snort number two of the evening tells me I need to concentrate and fix this. God and I thought I was an idiot.

With wet shaky fingers I hastily reply. I need to fix this.

**EVERYTHING IS PERFECT. I JUST LOVE YOU. YOUR FUTURE MRS CULLEN X**

After pressing send I make my way to the bathroom for another shower, the hot water will clear my mind and help me come up with a plan of action. Stripping off and stepping into the spray I think back over the past year and try to pin point all the mistakes I've made in this relationship. Now don't get me wrong Edward is not entirely blameless, I know this but first I need to fix myself then I can help him with his own epiphany.

I mentally make a list of my past misdeeds, which is quite lengthy, I really am a shit. The two main ones that are flashing in neon freaking lights in my brain are Jacob and his boundaries. The first would be easily rectified if I wasn't such a stubborn pigheaded moron. I know I was wrong and sneaky and I should never of gone to La Push all the times that I did. But as I said stubborn pigheaded moron. Being told that I cant do something made me want to do it even more. Instead of coming to a compromise with Edward I basically gave him the finger and ran to my friend to play nice. Making him jealous and worried all at once when he had enough to worry about in the first place.

Sighing out loud, I know what I need to do and what I need to say. I need to bare my soul and admit that I was wrong and foolish, and I should of never let myself get so close to Jacob and lead him on in those dark bleak months when I knew I could never love him more than just a friend. That was the beginning of the down hill path between Edward, Jacob and myself, right to hitting the very rocky bottom of that day by the tent. I will make sure he understands everything. In fact I will write down every detailed emotion and feeling between the three of us so that he can truly understand that it was only him and only ever will be him. And when he has read it on paper I will tell him verbally what written words cannot say.

The second issue however will be more tricky. Trying to find a solution and thinking hard, I didn't realize how long I had been stood there as the water starts to run cold.

Great just as I was on a roll and feeling pretty damn poetic. Sighing I stepped from the shower, I dried myself off and picked up my dirty laundry. Well not so dirty laundry, as they were clean on a couple of hours ago after my first shower but clean panties is a must at least 5 times a day lately thanks to the evil tongue slipper. Thank god I'm a women and the evidence of my desire for him is not visible.

I shudder at that thought. God how embarrassing would it be if he could see the state of my underwear after only a kiss, that would be just so.. So.. _oh. My. God. _Things start slipping into place with epiphany number… Oh I don't fucking know. But how the hell didn't I see it sooner.

"Oh sweet Jesus." I can feel the blush spreading from the tips of my ears all the way down to my rib cage. All the signs were there. The eyes, the flaring of the nostrils and the freezing and fleeing. Oh. My. Fucking. God. He can smell me. Well of course idiot he's a bloody vampire. Sinking to floor against the bathroom door in just a towel I glare at the white satin panties in my hand, trying to burn holes in them with my eyes. How am I going to be able to face him now without dying of mortification. Oh god. _oh god oh god oh god._

_Oh_

Oh

OH

He. Is. A, Vampire.

A giggle slips through, and I realize our senses of smell will be completely different. Curiosity gets the better of me and I bring exhibit A closer to get a quick whiff. Musk, tang and salt. Hmm not my cup of tea but if blood smells to me like rust and salt this shit is going to smell like heaven to him.

A evil grin slowly spread across my face and all embarrassment flies out the window.

This could work to my advantage. Oh Bella, have you forgotten the real issue, boundaries.

Yes yes yes I know, I need to make him see that I understand the dangers and that I'm not just saying that; I know he wont hurt me but I'm trusting him not to. Because I trust him with the everything that I am. Now I just need to make him see the difference of the two.

Planning this however will take more time and I can feel the emotional strain of the past couple of hours set in. Taking my now tired self off the floor I stumble across the hall and into my room feeling a whole lot lighter. But I only make it a couple of steps before I drop the clothes and nearly lose my towel.

" Christ Edward, you scared me half to death. " I whisper breathlessly and bend to retrieve the dropped items.

Clutching the towel tightly to my body I turn to face him, and even though the lamp is dim I see that he's still. Not vampire still, but dirty smelling panties, frozen vampire still, clenching and unclenching his fists at his side.

Oh yes, exhibit A how I love thee. In a very graceful move for me, I casually tip toe to my closet to put my things in the laundry basket. And accidentally on purpose drop the white satin on the way.

Having still not replied I ask.

" Is everything ok Edward?" And hold the phone, no blush. I give myself an internal pat on the back for not giving my deviousness away.

Only answering with a jerky nod and a tight smile, knowing now that this kind of response from him is not just because of all the expose skin but exposed scents too.

Smiling back and telling him I'll two seconds I grab the nearest sleep wear and go back to the bathroom to change, before he realizes that I'm onto him.

Isabella Swan you are a fucking genius.

Fully clothed I step back into the room to see that he has moved from his spot by the window and is now casually stretched out on my bed. With a quick glance I see that the bait has been taken. Now now Bella this is Edward we are talking about he may just have put them with the rest of the laundry to save you a job. But deep down I know that thought to be untrue, as he said himself, he is a man. I'll just have to check when he's not here. Blushing at my own slyness and sighing out loud, I sink down into the bed and curl myself around my perfect beautiful man.

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**Thanks for reading let me know what you think and hit the button T x**


	2. Brief

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight I'm just playing**

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Chapter 2. Brief

After several minutes I peek up and see him staring at the ceiling pursing his lips. I open my mouth feeling worried and guilty at my previous scheming, to ask him what's wrong, but he cuts me off with a deep breath and looks down and speaks.

" Do you know, in three weeks time you are going to be my wife?" That was obviously a rhetorical question so I hold my tongue. But I feel my eyebrows draw together in slight worry as to where he's taking this.

" And do you know that in the time that we've been engaged you have never referred to yourself as the future Mrs Cullen?" The automatic response to disagree dies in my throat as he smiles down at me with most beautiful smile I've seen since I said yes to him.

" God Bella hearing that, well reading that made me feel, just perfect.. I mean right… no happy… no… God Bella." Shaking his head and blowing out a huge breath between his lips, he closes his eyes. that's when it hits me, I haven't been doing my job well at all, showing him how much I love him and want him and need him, forever.

Blinking back tears I scramble into his lap and hold his face in the palms of my hands to make him look at me.

" I'm so sorry Edward, I'm so sorry that I haven't been clear to you, with that I _want _to marry you. That I _need _to marry you. That I sincerely _can't _wait to be your wife, and nothi…" The words on my lips were cut off with his in one the most searing kisses he has ever given me. Threading his fingers into my hair with one hand and skimming the base of spine with the other, he switches positions never breaking the kiss.

This is the first time we have been in this position, he has never let us get this far. But oh my god, my thighs gripping his hips. It takes every ounce of strength I have not grind up against him. Any other night I would be all over that like a.. erm.. a… oh hell all I would have to do is raise my hips an inch and..

Stop Bella, that tells you right there he's not 100% with you on this or his hips would be flush against mine. Not till he understands fully that this is not all I want, then he will be 100% there.

Sighing into his mouth and stroking his face softly he calms. Breaking the kiss and resting his forehead to mine.

" I love you Bella. "

" Hmmhmm I love you. " Not realizing how tired I've become my words are more slurred and breathy.

" Come, you need sleep and I need to go find my brothers " Quirking a brow in question, he tucks me in and holds me close. With a sheepish grin he places a soft chaste kiss on my lips.

" They may be worried, I kind of.. Well I bolted a soon as I saw your text." my eyes fall close and with a feather like touch of his lips I drift off.

" I love you Bella "

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Have you ever seen one of those films where the leading lady wakes up bathed in sunlight eyelids fluttering with a dreamy smile on her face? Yeah? What a pile of crap.

" Goodmorning Bella " A high pitched pixie sings bouncing on her knees at the bottom of my bed. Like I said. Pile. Of. Crap.

" Mfungmns. " Burying my face in the the pillow.

" What."

" Urgh five more minutes."

" Come now Bella we've got a busy day ahead " Spoken so seriously I almost believe her.

"Huh? Its my day off. You said no wedding planning at all to day."Ssitting up and rubbing my eyes I finally focus my sight on the damn menace that woke my from my dreams.

" What the hell are you wearing?" I have to blink my eyes repeatedly to make sure im actually awake, because sitting at the foot of my bed looks like a extra from bloody mission impossible. And theres the grin, the grin of nightmares, the grin that says _I know what you're up to._

" Well, at precisely 12:46 lat night I had a series of visions " Oh shit what did she see?

"What did yo.."

" Shush. Like I said a series of visions. Which I don't really understand as they are no more than a few separate images then full visions. But the end result to each of them are the same. A Happy Bella and a _very_ happy Edward." The look on Alices faces tells me that I'm missing something, because gone are happy smiles and evils grins and in place is what can only be described as a lecherous twist of the lips Ala Emmet.

" Huh?"

" Come on we've lots to do before the boys get back tomorrow." In the blink of an eye she's gone, then back again thrusting a Neiman marcus bag to my chest. What the hell.

" Alice stop. I'm not moving from this bed until you tell me what we supposedly have to do. _I've _got a couple of things to do, but that doesn't involve me dressing up or leaving this bed." I lean across to the side of the bed and retrieve my pad and pen as example. Confussed to why me planning on writing down my explanations and thoughts to Edward would result in her being all 007.

Slummping back to her previous position. Scrunching her brow and taking a deep breath." It would be so much quicker if you followed my lead on this Bella " I snort out loud ant that one.

" Yeah and why didn't you bring a muzzle and lead while your at it."

" Ha ha. Ok I'l start over." Sitting back against the headboard I try to focus as these conversations with Alice can get pretty complicated.

" The first vision was of me and you taking a empty journal from Edwards shelf in his room. The next was of me dressing in all black and Jasper aplying this." Waving her hand in front of her face for emphasis. I cant help the giggle that escapes as that is just ludocras, she looks fucking ridiculous with black and green camo paint smeared under her eyes and down her nose.

Even though I can see the smile trying to break out her reply comes out a bark.

" Shut it Swan, you wanted details. As I was saying, after the first two I didn't get anything else for about half an hour, and you _were_ dressed in the clothes in the bag so don't even start." Still confused and less than happy that I'm going to subjected to dress up torture, I pout and tell her to get on with it. But her expression changes to one of complete seriousness, which tells me it has nothing to do with my worries of me lookin nothing like cute Bond chick number two and more like Charlie Chaplin, but something else.

" Listen Bella, you know how difficult it is finding privacy in our house, with a mind reader, an empath and a psychic. But we all try, Edward blocks as much as he can and so do me and jaz, so last night I was just open and waiting for a vision explaining the first two, I didn't expect to see Edward in hi…."

" What? What was he doing?" I was on the edge of my seat here.

" Bella"

" Sorry Alice, I know you try to respect everyones privacy as much as you can, and I don't think Edward would judge you for what you saw." God that even sounded desperate to my ears. Come on woman details.

" I know but I think he'll be really embarrassed if he finds out I know about his stash."

" What? You lost me. " I havent even had a cup of coffe yet and my brain is starting to hurt.

" Are you missing something Bella? Did you maybe drop something last night?" _Huh ? Oh.. Oh.. _.GOD. The panties. Twisting in my sheets I try to get up but fall flat on my ass. But in the process I notice the empty space on the floor where I dropped my panties. He took them. Diving into my closet I rumage through the laundry just to make sure. I turn to face Alice us both dissolving into fits of giggles. I cant believe he actually took them, he.. What.. Wait a minute.

" What do you meen stash?" I fold my arms across my chest. I mean what the hell? I havent noticed anything else missing.

" Calm down Bella" she soothes. But seriously whats in this stash, I'm starting to get worried. What if its not all mine? What if ..

" Stop. Let me finish, jeez." Mummbling something along the lines of _drama Queen _and _overeation. _But im not in the mood.

" Spill it Alice. What was in the stash?" I demand. With a deep sigh and a calm smile she continues.

" This must stay between us he cannot find out that we know about the box. Well not in the near future anyway, he will flip at me and he'll be very reserved with you until way after the wedding, I've seen that much." She raises her eyebrow waiting for my answer. But god my brain is a muddled mess and I really need to hear the details of everything without flipping out.

So I sit crossed legged on the bed and nod.

" I wont interupt again. Carry on "

" Well, one of the shoe boxes in the bottom of his closet is lacking shoes and when he opened the box I noticed three things. A pair of lavender panties, which are yours by the way. A bunch of small items, keepsakes things like that, nothing really important. And a couple of pamphlets. One was of Indian body art and the other was, well the other was porn. "

" WHAT "

" Jesus Bella my ears. I know, shocker or what, well not to me. Everyone has porn. But what I mean is it wasn't regular porn. We all know he's old fashioned and what not, and you don't need me to tell you his morals run bone deep where you're concerned but, I've heard him a couple of times yanking his dong after being with you so its not s…"

" WHAT "

" BELLA"

" Sorry its just he what…and….he…._porn_" I just …. Wow

" Don't say it like it's a dirty word Bella " Chastised I clamp my lips shut. because this day is just going from freaky to weird to WTF too fast for my liking. She smiles and carrys on.

" I was just going to say, its not so suprising him having porn. But this was old and yellowed and looked like something from the beining of century. Not the kind of porn you are thinking, but something that when Edward as a human would be seen as obscene and erotic. But I only saw the front cover so I don't know what is inside, and he added the white panties and blocked the view of the booklet. The next vision however sort of puts things into place. You still with me?" Nodding I urge her to continue,

" Me and you in my room, you are sat on the edge of my bed and your wearing one of the pairs of Capri pants. There in the bag. I'm sat on the floor decorating your foot and ankle with henna." And just like that she's lost me. Seeing the confusion on my face she dumbs it down.

" First get dressed. Second we need to find the empty journal for you to do whatever with." Ticking the numbers on her fingers as she goes.

" Third you need to look in the shoe box, two boxes down and three boxes across in the bottom of his closet. What you find in there leads to number four, me decorating your skin and being interrupted by a very happy and very hungry looking Edward." She finishes with a smug smile and a nod and that's all I need to hear to get me jumping into action.

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**Please forgive my mistakes. This is my first fic and I'm new to posting and all the clean up that comes with it.**

**Thanks for reading let me know what you think and hit the button T x**


	3. Mission

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight I'm just playing**

Chapter 3. Mission

Stepping outside I realize why Alice didn't bring her car. The hot rays on my skin almost feels foreign, having grown accustom to the constant drizzle and overcast sky's. But I cant deny it feels heavenly, I haven't felt this much heat since Jacksonville.

" You sure its safe?" I ask sceptically.

" Yep. That's why we came the back way." Her short easy answer would puzzle me if it wasn't for the gleam in her eye. Fine she wants to play it that way, I'll go along.

" Ok" I reply all chipper. But as we make it to the edge of the forest I'm still on two feet, when normally I would be slung on her back like a bag of spuds, not that I'm complaining. But getting to the Cullen's on foot has got to be more than 10 miles this way.

Thinking how long _that_ would take, reminds me of the reason for this trip in the first place, and we really don't have the time for mind games and a nice stroll in the forest.

" Um Alice?"

" Yes Bella?" blinking innocently at me.

" Don't you thi…."

" You've got to be fucking kidding me." She hisses and all innocence has gone to be replaced with a look so furious it panics me. Alarmed I look around in search for a threat.

" What. What is it?"

" Change of plans Bella. The boys are coming back early, hop on." halting my minor freak out she grabs my bag and turns her back. But I don't care Edward will be home sooner than I thought, and with that my eyes start to glaze over.

Sensing my misdirected thoughts she grabs my shoulders and starts rambling.

" Not good Bella. Not good. We're twelve hours down, that means Edward will be back at 2_am_, not 2_pm_. Which also means that.… urgh never mind just get on and we'll sort it at the house." spinning round she throws me on her back.

" Close you eyes." and with that she's off. Scrunching up my eyes I thank the heavens and Tylenol that no-one is around to see this. God this is ridiculous. As soon as I'm a vampire I'm going to toss her in the Sol Duc.

" Shit Bella stop that, we'll fucking crash." she yells over her shoulder, but I cant help but snicker at what she must have seen.

Trying to keep my mind off anything important, and pixie throwing contests, I concentrate on the wind whipping in my face and the smell of the moss, that's stronger the deeper into the forest you go. It really is a beautiful place to live, even with all the rain.

" You can open your eyes." With shaky legs I let my feet touch the ground and realize that we're in the front room already. So I sink onto the nearest soft surface in reach and take a much needed breath. But Alice doesn't do breaths.

" That wasn't funny you know" she barks tapping her foot and crossing her arms.

" I've told you before how dangerous it is me carrying you in case of sudden visions. And what do you?"

I have to bite the inside of my mouth, because seriously this is just too much.

" Well? I'll tell you. You decide to throw me in The. Fucking. River." Even though she looks extremely scary at the minute, I cant help but burst out laughing when she stamps her foot. Full on cant catch your breath, doubled over laughing.

" Its not fucking funny. Those were my favourite jeans." the growl she stared with turns to a whine at the mention of jeans.

Trying my hardest to keep a straight face, I stand up and take hold of her tiny shoulders.

" I'm sorry Alice. Just take a look, I think its safe to say you can wash that off now." I turn her round to face the mirror off to the side. Well she turns round and I hold her.

" Fucking Hell! " Perfect Cullen no more. Instead of a flawless image, she looks more like an escapee of some emo-goth-tear-fest. The camo paint that was applied perfectly, has now run the length of her face from running top speed through a dew filled forest. Fucking Hell indeed.

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After a small lunch of Esme's famous pasta, I head off up the stairs to Alice's room. Only just noticing now how utterly silent the house is, I step inside and flop on the bed totally stuffed.

" Where is everyone?" I ask as she glides from the bathroom.

" Esme and Rose are in Seattle picking up linens. And the boys are…" her eyes glaze over and become vacant, telling me she's _looking_ for them. " 20 miles in Olympic national park."

Sitting Indian style next to me on the bed, shooting me a stern look she starts to fill me in on the details of what needs to be done.

" You need to listen carefully Bella, because once Edward gets back you're on your own." On our own? On our own, _on our own?_ God I hope so. Knowing me all too well she smirks and carry's on.

" To start with I've phoned Charlie to let him know you'll be staying here tonight. Its all settled so don't worry." Good. That gives me more time to do what needs to get done.

" We only have twelve and a half hours till the boys get home, so sometime this afternoon you need to take a nap."

" Why?" I hate napping.

" Because if you don't you'll be falling asleep when Edward gets in at 2. And when you've finished writing whatever it is you're going to write you'll be feeling drowsy anyway. Ok?" before I can answer she steams right ahead.

" Good. When we go to Edwards room, you have to do exactly what I say or the jigs up. If he smells me anywhere near that closet he'll put two and two together and know we've been in the box." Damn it, I forget about that. But if he can smell Alice, there is no way I can get close to it, never mind open it?

" How the hell am I supposed to do it then?" Having mixed emotions on snooping already, this doesn't help me feel any better. I want to look, I really do. And a small part of me is extremely excited, but its still a massive invasion of privacy and I cant get past that.

" We can mask your scent enough so he doesn't catch on. There's a blue button down that he's had on already on his bed, and a pair of gloves in the pocket of his jacket on the couch. If you put those on and tie your hair up there shouldn't be any trace scents that will make him suspicious." But I'm still not sure, it is snooping, and I wouldn't like it if he found my stash. Urgh I shudder at the thought.

" I can tell what you're thinking, but I'm quite positive that he will show you in a couple of months anyway so don't worry. Its high time you two started being more open with each other." My mouth pops open in shock. Is she kidding? Gaping like a fish and unable to find my voice I can feel the anger start to bubble to the surface. Because the bottom line of it is, she's right.

" You really know shit Alice."

" Really? Can you honestly tell me, that you voice your opinions, your wants your needs without any censors?" There's not a hint of sarcasm in her tone only understanding.

" Isn't that the whole reason for today? So you can tell him everything you've kept inside." hanging my head in defeat, she smoothes back my hair from where it fell in a very Esme-like gesture. But my head snaps up as I realize.

" How did you know what I was going to write?"

" You talk to yourself out loud. Which is a good thing really when having visions, it gives me details and makes it easier for me to understand them." shrugging her shoulders as if it's completely normal.

" And I don't know the _exact _details, just that you were going to lighten the load a bit."

" You're right. But still, some things are just too difficult to voice." The things that my horny teenage side wants to say are just would make me sound like a desperate nympho, so I have to keep her locked up tight to save myself the embarrassment and the nasty sting of rejection.

" Like what? You could tell Edward you want to change your name to Fangina leaks-a lot and he wouldn't bat an eye."

" Ha. What am I supposed to say ' _oh Edward, my fangina's leaking a lot, please touch me,_" Holy fuck, I cant believe I just said that_. _Now its her turn to gape. The stunned expression doesn't last long before she starts cackling like a she demon and I bury my head in my hands with a groan. Urgh kill me now.

" Oh god, he'd probably offer you a Kleenex." She choked out, but before I could tell her to shut the fuck up, she turn's serious again. she grabs my hand and asks,

" Is that what all this is about? Because Bella, in three weeks you'll be on your honeymoon so I think you need to be a bit more direct."

" Not all of it, but you know, I err…. Well… I cant…uh…urgh." God why cant I just keep my mouth shut.

" Hey there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Just think of this conversation as a practise run."

But I cant, all I can do is shake my head because she really doesn't understand.

" You don't get anything in life if you don't ask for it." My temper flares again at her condescending tone.

" Really Alice? Really? And when am I supposed to do that then, before or after he freezes up on me and runs home?" my anger doesn't have the desired effect. She narrows her eyes and snaps right back.

" Do you think its any different for him?"

" Yes I do." its petulant and childish but I don't care I've had enough and want off this topic.

" Just because his moral compass is pointing directly to 1918 doesn't mean he doesn't feel the same if not stronger. We live with Jasper remember so we all feel the frustration _and_ the sexual frustration he feels when he gets home."

" Your shitin me." No way. I mean he's _Edward. _

" I shit you not. It will be a sad day in the house of Cullen when you two finally get it together." she sighs with a dreamy faraway look.

" Why? That must be unbearable." feeling like that is bad enough, but feeling like that for no reason that must be hell.

" Oh no, quite the opposite. All that frustration has to be worked out somehow." I snatch my hand from hers when she wiggles her eyebrows. She needs to take a leaf from Edwards book on boundaries, and For all the wrong reasons that's a visual I don't need. It has me unexpectedly brimming with envy.

" And on that note, I think we have things to do." Jumping off the bed I make my way to the door trying to hide my raging blush.

Before I make it out into the hall she skips to my side halting me in my tracks.

" Ok but you promise me you'll try? One of you has got to take the first step."

" Like I said Alice some things are difficult to voice." I mumble out with a grimace.

" Me and Jasper were no different you know. We've been together over fifty years and we are still learning. Relationships need hard work and patience. Just _try."_

" Can we get today over with first then I'll try I promise." something like curiosity passes over her features, but before I can comment its gone, and she agrees.

" Ok then, _after _today." I roll my eyes at her pushiness.

" Oh here you'll need this." handing me her cell. Huh?

" For pictures." and just like that 00-emo-goth is back.

Taking the stairs to the third floor, everything from the past hour gets pushed to the back of my head as I realize what a big step in our relationship I'm taking, for the both of us.

" I'm doing the right thing aren't I Alice?" I whisper. I know it's the right thing, its just, Gah what if he thinks I'm stupid.

" Oh yes. Don't worry about that, he'll love you more for it. You just worry about what your going to write." with a cryptic smile she adds, " You know today ends at midnight right."

Huh?

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" Jeez Bella its just a door."

" I know."

" Its not going to bite."

" I know."

" Well open it already."

In theory it was _just_ a door, but for the life of me I cant open it. Which is absolutely ridiculous, because I've opened and closed the same door hundreds of times. I just know everything will change once I step in that room. Do I really want that? Isn't everything ok as it is? Safe? Yes. But I want more. I want to.. No, _need _to do this. Alice is right one of us has to take the first step.

With my new found resolve I take a deep breath and turn the knob.

" Good choice." she whispers.

The first step into Edwards room is like taking a step beck 10 years. Closing my eyes I can almost see the fresh cut grass and fallen apples in the orchards. It was beautiful and one of my favourite memories of my childhood.

Definitely the best vacation Renee took me on. _" We're goin 'Minnesota_ _Nice' baby." _

Shaking my head at my crazy mothers antics, I realize that even after my change that will be one memory that will always stick. And even if he doesn't know it Edward and his glorious scent trigger that memory every time. Apples, cinnamon and fresh cut grass.

" Erm, Bella? HEY."

I sigh and take another lungful. Its was nice while it lasted.

" Sorry Alice, what was that?" Was she not, minutes ago talking about patience? I think that needs work.

" I _said, _you need to strip off. Rosalie and Esme will be back in a half hour, and I don't trust rose to keep her mind shut, never mind her mouth." Pulling a face I have to ask.

" She wouldn't? would she?"

" Oh yes. She'd do it for no other reason than to piss Edward off. And maybe to spite you, just a little." holding up her thumb and fore finger." She's in a fouler mood than usual. Running errands for a wedding that's not hers, and no Emmett for a couple of days equals, not a very nice Rosalie."

" Well that's just great. Come on we better get cracking." I decided long ago that I wouldn't be afraid of Rosalie. Well this time I mean it.

Un buttoning my shirt and taking it off, I put on the blue button down that's on the bed, just as Alice said it would be.

Mmmmmm essence of Edward. It still puzzles me why his scent changes. When I first see him its always the same, apples, cinnamon and cut grass. But after a while in his company, or before he leaves at least there's a subtle difference, the apple smells more like warm cider and grass is more earthy than freshly cut. Another thing I've always wondered and never thought to ask.

" Alice does all your scents change? I mean with Edward his is fresh and spicy but when we spend a certain amount of time together it seems to change. Or is it just my human sense of smell?"

" Well yes I suppose, all of our scents change at certain times, but you'd be better off asking him. I don't know how to explain it, it just _does._" she smiles innocently but remains rooted to the spot by the door, and changes the subject.

" Put your hair up then get the gloves." Doing as I'm told I get on with it. The sooner we're done the sooner I'll get some peace. She's taking all the fun out of this.

" Hhurm"

" Grab the phone." deep breathes Bella. She's only trying to help. And like she said, he'll show me himself in a couple of months anyway. Its not that bad, he will thank me one day.

Repeating the mantra over and over, I open the closet door and drop to my knees.

" Well, now what? And why are you still by the door?"

" I don't want to risk getting any closer, just in case. And you want to pull out the brown box, Two boxes down, three boxes across." Taking a deep I locate the box and slowly pull it from its place and put it to the top of the pile. I can hear Alice's excited fidgeting and fast breathing as if I was opening the very first edition of Vogue.

The ridiculousness of this situation is not lost on me. Here I am on my hands and knees, in the bottom of Edwards closet in his shirt and wearing his gloves searching for dirty panties and god knows what. You couldn't make this shit up.

Eyes tightly shut I Lift the lid and put it to the side.

In a moment of doubt I cant help but think if I should really be doing this? Do I really want to look?

Hell yes I do.

So opening my eyes I take a look. And holy crap. Hearing it is one thing, but seeing it is another.

My fiancée is a dirty-smelling-panty-naber. Wow that's just..? I want to say wrong, but the warming of my mid section tells me otherwise. God I'm so turned on right now it _has _to be wrong.

However besides my pilfered panties, I notice other things too. Things that wouldn't make sense to Alice, but have me swallowing back the lump in my throat. Things that make my heart physically hurt with the amount of love I'm feeling for him right now.

Ticket stubs to the first move we went too together. Junk.

Soda bottle top from one of our lunches together. Trash.

A dried up daisy chain I made for him, from our first picnic in the meadow. Garbage

A Polaroid of the two of us just before prom.

Beautiful.

And that's what it is, all of it.

Not junk, trash or garbage. To anyone else it would be, but its not.

Just beautiful.

" Now you know." she whispers

" I do. I really do." I whisper back. To speak out loud seems wrong.

" Don't mean to rush you or anything, but we have ten minutes till Esme and Rose get back." Impatience leaking into her voice making me snap my teeth.

Putting everything I've seen so far, I push it all away to the back of my mind under lock and key until later when I can revisit and cry for my sentimental love. Then I shoot her a dirty look.

Looking back in the box I focus on the unfamiliar. All of which seem to be booklets. Alice was wrong however there is more than a couple, but only the top two are visible. On the front of one is the drawing of the top half of a woman in a corset, and next to that the bottom half of another holding her skirt mid calf displaying her ankle.

what small amount I see on the front of the other, is two drawn hands decorated with colourful vines and flowers.

Reaching in the box to pick it up and take a closer look, I don't get far before I have to snatch my hand back almost instantly when she shouts out.

" No. Take a picture first so you know where everything goes."

" Good god Alice shut up. Its not that difficult." Sheesh, she's taking this too far.

Trying again I slide it out carefully as not to disturb anything else. Just in case.

" Right now what."

" Open it moron. Take a picture of page 4, then we're done." letting the moron comment slide I put the booklet on top of the other boxes, but with moving it the one that was underneath is now partly visible and has me curious. It looks like a world war II advertisement, with a Pin up girl in uniform singing to a wounded soldier on the front.

" What about this one? Shall I get that too?"

" Stop asking questions, and get it done. You start moving things too much and he'll notice, now get the damn picture."

"Jesus Alice paranoid much? Or is that a vampire thing ? Or a Alice thing? Or a future seeing all-knowing freak thing?" Turning back to the task I flip to page 4.

" Shut it _fangina_ we can come back and take another look later. Or would you rather forget all this effort and ask Edward to show you instead? _Oh Edward can I look in your secret box where you keep my stolen panties_." not liking how she's imitating my voice I Snap the picture and throw the phone and aim for her head. But she catches it with ease.

Making sure everything is as I found it, and one last glance at our memories I replace the lid and put the box in its place.

" There done, piece of cake" That was one of the longest hours ever.

" Not done yet smart-ass, you need to get the journal. It's the brown one with twine around the middle. The one on the end." pointing to the middle shelf. " _Then_ we're done." I close the closet doors with a huff and take off the gloves and put them back in the jacket pocket, and scan the room to make sure nothings out of place.

That stab of guilt at that thought halts me just short of the bookcase. I Shake my head at my conscience. Too late now Bella what's done is done.

I pick out the correct journal dramatically. That's what the last ten minutes boils down too. Dramatics. All she done is stand by the door and bark orders.

" There. _now _we're done."

The smug smile she was sporting turns to disappointment when she realizes her little adventure has ended, and I have to laugh at the sight

" Huh. Yeah we are."

" Damn Alice. What were you expecting? hidden cameras and voice recognition for a shoe box?"

If she wasn't so exhausting id be in agreement, its all very anticlimactic. Even with the guilt.

" Well anyway, the girls are just coming up the drive now. So if you don't need me for anything I'm going to nip out and grab some stuff." Damn it. I try not to grimace I really do, but she notices anyway.

" Just stay out of her way till I get back. I wont be long and I'll pick you something up for dinner. Ok." I take it they're close enough to hear as it comes out a whisper. But unwanted ears or not I have to ask her what all the fuss was about.

" Why did we just spend the entire morning scheming just for a picture out of a book? And what's it for?"

" You didn't do that for the picture. That was for me to save me time so I didn't have to do an internet search for henna designs." WHAT? Is she freaking kidding me. I stare at her wide eyed in complete disbelief.

" Think about it Bella. Is your view on my brother the same as it was an hour ago?" Nodding to the closet first, then nodding to the journal in my hand. " And don't you think, whatever you put in there will be completely from the heart, more so than you first intended?" She's right again. If I had stayed in bed and poured out my soul there, I wouldn't of done it justice.

The little Alice on my shoulder however whispers gleefully in my ear,

_And the rest of what you've seen can be saved for future reference. _

" And whatever else you've seen can be saved for a later date." She grins slyly.

Jesus H. I need to stop spending so much time with her. Its like she has a secret link to my inner devil.

" On that note, I take my leave." with a dramatic bow and a regal wave she skips out the door closing it on her way.

Oh yes. I can see the ideas taking shape already. This is going to be a fun three weeks. I shake myself out of my evil plotting and try to focus, as I take a pen from the desk. One devious scheme is more than enough for today. And I really need to be in a serious frame of mind and concentrate.

With a deep sigh I settle myself onto the bed, and get comfy. It isn't too difficult as I'm still wrapped in Edwards shirt and covered in his scent. It calms me and makes me smile as I open my heart and think back over everything we've endured the past months. I take off the lid and write, and don't stop till I finish with the words;

_**Your Dear Heart**_

_**Bella**_

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**A/N ****Thanks to nicolleio for my first ever review, so thank you, again. **

**I hope you like**

**Oh and Edward will be back the next chapter too. Alice is fun but she gives me a head ache.**

**Thanks for reading let me know what you think and hit the button T x**


	4. Busted

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight I'm just playing**

**WARNING: M RATED Adult Content.**

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Chapter 4. Busted.

Now I don't know how it happened but it did, and this has Alice written all over it. But I swear to god if that little freak has dressed me in my sleep again, the Sol Duc wont be deep enough and torture wont be painful enough for what I'm going to do to her.

And what the hell is that on my head?

Stumbling out of the bed,- literally stumbling She's even put me in god damn heals. At least last time she left out shoes- I make my way in to the bathroom to take a proper look.

Sweet baby Jesus she has lost the plot. I'm seething, absolutely mind numbingly seething, its the only feeling that registers when I take in what I'm covered in.

The slip of khaki material that must be a skirt, is so short I can feel the bottom of my ass cheeks. The blouse, wouldn't be too bad if it had more than two buttons and a bit more room, one wrong turn and the world is in for a show. And god don't get me started on the hat. All I know is that it wont come off and is stuck to the side of my head like some sort of growth. I'm going to kill her

I'm going to kill her, but first im going to ask how she pulled this off. I'd be quite impressed if I wasn't so royally pissed at being violated in my sleep. At least now I know why she demanded I take a nap.

Looking back at me in the mirror can only be described as well I don't know but it certainly cant be me. I look like a hooker, well no, putting aside my insecurities and the fact that I would never wear this in public, I look hot. Actually I look smoking hot, like one of those 1940's pinups. And my legs, where the hell did they come from.

Shaking my head at the demonic little Muppet, I head back into the bedroom to find some appropriate clothes, she's insane if she thinks I'll wear this in public. But I have to stop dead in my tracks and nearly swallow my tongue at the sight before me.

Edward. A very livid Edward. A very livid Edward in full blown marine uniform.

I think I just died and went straight to heaven for the horny.

"What time do you call this private Cullen?"

Say what now?

As my tongue is still firmly lodged in my oesophagus. Nothing comes out, but my jaw is flapping in shock. Where is Edward and what have you done with him. My mind cant seem to grasp that in his place is this strong, dominant, and quite frankly scary looking but unbelievably hot drill sergeant.

Who is now stalking closer right this second. _oh shit._

Then circling me like I'm his prey, I nearly jump through the roof when he palms my ass cheek and hisses in my ear

"Answer me Cullen."

He's never spoken to me with so much anger before and He's definitely never touched me that intimately before. I don't know if I should cry, scream, hump his leg or pass the hell out.

"Edward" I whimper pathetically. I'm so confused I'm lost at what to say.

"Its sergeant Masen to you private." He barks but the softening in his eyes lets me know he s still in there. It hits me then like a tonne, all this fit's the picture in the box to a tee. This is his fantasy.

In my head I'm dropping to my knees in prayer thanking Alice and her geniusness, not bothering to question why he would be doing this now, but I'll be damned If I'm not gonna play along.

" Awaiting orders srg Masen. Sir." The growl that rumbles from his chest has the little traitor in my panties making herself known. He closes his eyes and takes a dramatic inhale through his flared nostrils, savouring. Oh and he _loves_ it. His eyes snap open, and I can tell by the calculating look and the cock of his head that he's plotting a way to commandeer this pair too.

Well he's in for a treat with theses babies because fangina is drooling like a damn saint Bernard

"On your knees and give me 50 that mouth needs training"

Fuck me!

"Now."

Fuck me double!

"Suck."

Fuckshitfuckshitfuck No way is he gonna. No freaking way, I've never .. I don't.. what the..

Oh.

My.

God.

He is.

Dragging down his zipper, oh so slowly he reaches in. With a wicked grin he palms himself making sure I miss nothing and tugs it free. And all rational thought leaves me, my body is on auto, and I drop to my knees in front of what only can be described as the most glorious cock in existence. Liking my lips and not having a clue what im doing. But damn it all to hell if I'm not going to give it my all. As I don't know when this Edward will come out to play again. I lean in and my tongue darts out desperate for a taste.

The deep throaty moan that slips out has me bolting upright.

Whipping my head back and forth and blinking rapidly in search of that heavenly taste, I realize as I land with a thud next to the bed that I ve just had the most erotic dream to date.

No

Nononononononono

It cant of been, it was so real

"Arrrgghh god damn it." Repeatedly banging my forehead on the floor, the tears come thick and fast as wave after wave of disappointment crashes over me. It was so real, I cant believe it was a dream.

Of course is was a dream idiot he has been nothing but maddeningly virtuous from day one. The perfect gentleman, with hands that never stray any further north of my ribs or south of my waist. Besides from hording my delicates, he is the poster boy for innocence. Gah.

Rolling onto my back I scrub away the tears and blankly stare at the ceiling, feeling utterly ridiculous. I mean I've never even seen his bare legs never mind his… man parts.

I roll my eyes at myself at that, with the potty mouth I've acquired of late it shouldn't be difficult to say cock.

And still, only my subconscious could cook up a dream like that.

Ordering you down on your knees to suck, Pfft. If I wasn't so desperately turned on it would be laughable.

I don't see _that_ Edward making an appearance, ever.

Though my dreams have always been mildly risqué, that was on a whole other level. Even if my dream self is ready and willing I don't think I'd be quite ready for _that_.

In that second my lack of experience is very apparent. I mean, I'm 18 years old and never had an orgasm for crying out loud, never mind dressing up and doing that, I should think myself lucky it was a dream.

I'm not naïve, I know that there is more to sex than the act itself. I've explored and tried to bring myself some sort of release. But never finding it, never getting there, its always just out of reach, ending in pure frustration and craving for _his_ touch and not my own. And thinking about it in depth only leads to more frustration at never being able to blur the lines of his strictly imposed rules.

Even though I loath to admit it Alice is right. What was I expecting of our wedding night? Hiking skirts and heaving bosoms, like some seedy romance novel?

I now see that up until today I've been unquestionably blind.

We do need to be more open if we want something more than a disastrous stumble in the sack. We need to know what to expect from each other, from our bodies, our reactions, what's pleasurable and what's not. Even though all Edward has to do is look at me the right way and I'm gone.

Still foresight is important in order to keep mortifying embarrassment at bay.

Which all leads back to last nights epiphany, part of which has been resolved and is sat waiting to be read not three feet from my spot on the floor. And the rest, well that remains to be seen. The trust is there but its not at 100%, and it needs to be. Not just for the physical pleasures of our wedding night, but everything that comes after, and our future together. I just hope my confessions have been enough to make him believe.

Bolstered and feeling more confident than I have in a long time, I jump up energized and decide on a shower. Which is a must, after the appearance of sergeant Masen, I really need to freshen up.

Maybe one day we could actually get to that.

Wearing nothing but a blush and a smile I enjoy the brilliance of the multi jet shower.

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Wrapped in Edwards thick white robe I attempt to de-tangle my hair as I make my way to the bedroom in search of clothing.

Only to jump back and clutch my chest in shock.

Damn it I wish I could trade with dream Bella, she has all the luck.

But I cant. And I don't. Instead I'm greeted by Alice holding a pile of clothes and not sergeant Masen holding a bigger pile of sexiness.

" Here. Come to my room when your done." Thrusting the pile on me and skipping out of sight. Arguing would do no good, I've long since realized that's an impossible task when it comes to Alice. So I turn on my heel, close the door and get dressed. Now asking me what I dressed in however would be pointless.

It is silky, with brightly coloured patterns and down to my calves. Having only opening at the top with three buttons. Damn Skippy at least she gave me comfortable underwear.

Remembering my things on the lid of the toilet I reach for them but stop noticing my panties on the top.

Why not I'm feeling generous

Shrugging I knock them off the lid towards the back out of sight. For him to find later.

I replace Edwards shirt and toss my things in the corner for tomorrow and make my way to Alice's room. My mouth starts to water the closer I get. Wow that smells good.

" Alice?" I poke my around the door. Oh dear. I hope this doesn't get pinned on me, because Jasper's going to be pissed.

What was once their bedroom, now looks like the dumping ground for and old bollywood movie set.

" Erm, what's all this?" I look around in search for the food attached to that wonderful smell.

" Well, I thought we could make a night of it." she waves her hand around the room from her place on the floor. " You know like a theme night, movies, dress up, take out and henna." she finishes with a eyebrow wiggle.

I sit down across from her in front of the silver platters that I know hold some seriously delicious food, and I wonder If vampires can actually go nuts? I open my mouth to ask then snap it shut. Because really, she was in a asylum and to ask about it would be rude, and I'm far too hungry to get into a debate on Alice's craziness.

"Do you ever stop plotting? And can I eat I'm starved."

" I have no idea what you are talking about. And yes dig in." Removing lids with a straight face and indicating for me to eat.

" Really? I'd love to know what are you're going to do when I'm on my honey moon, and who is going to help you out with your 007 fetish you have going on"

" I do not. . . Ok well maybe a little. But where do you think I get it from. Jaspers great at this stuff, but we cant mess with Emmett and Rosalie to often. She bites." why anyone would purposely antagonise Rosalie is beyond me, so I get started on the food.

My eyes roll to the back of my head at the taste, and I don't know if it's because it so good or that I haven't eaten in …

" What time is it?" God this is good, not too hot or too spicy.

" 10:30. You had quite a long nap. You must of needed it." Wow I didn't even notice it was dark out.

" Was it good, the nap I mean?" Looking anywhere but at me. I narrow my eyes and tear off a piece of bread.

" Why?" she looks me squarely in the and shouts out.

" Sir. Yes Sir. Sergeant Masen. Sir."

Oh My Shit.

Thanking the little statue of Krishna next to me for not having food in my mouth to choke on. Then cursing her for letting me talk in my sleep.

" No." I whimper and blush so hard that it cant be blamed on the curry.

" Oh yes. You're lucky Rose had already left to meet Emmett, and Esme was just leaving as you let that slip. So there's nothing to worry about. But nothing more about my interests when clearly you have your own." I briefly catch her smug grin before I bury my head into one of the many pillows on the floor.

Blind is the wrong word for what I have been. Horror washes over me as I realize I've slept in this house too many times to count.

Just trying to think what they may of heard makes me shudder. Urgh I wont be staying here over night again till I've been changed.

" Hey none of that. Now come on if you're finished we'll get started on the henna. It needs at least two hours to dry." Pulling me to my feet I follow meekly as I try to remember the dreams I've had over the past months. A pointless task as there's just too many. Damn it why cant I just be a snorer.

" Come _on_ Bella this is supposed to be fun." Following my motto from I earlier, I give in and plop on the multi coloured bed that Krishna or Shiva, or maybe all of the deities threw up on. This really needs go quickly, the clashing colours are give me a headache.

" Right, which one. 'Om shanti om' 'Dhoom' 1 and 2, or the classic ' Mother India'?

" Eh?" She rolls her eyes and puts a disc into the player.

" Never mind, just get comfy and enjoy." Do as you are told Bella. With my calves and feet hanging over the edge I prop myself up on pillows and try to relax.

Now I'm not one for makeovers. I endure them for Alice's sake, even though I'm constantly complaining about her in my mind. I adore her, craziness an all. But this, this I could let her do every day. Whatever she is doing to my legs is divine. The tragic lament coming from the speakers feels hypnotic, so I close of my eyes as all the muscles in my body turn to goo.

" Time to get this off Bella." My eyes snap open and I cringe, do I even want to know?

" Don't worry you were completely out, no talking." Thank god, I've had enough embarrassment for one day.

" Well what do you think?" And she looks so hopeful that I know, even if there was a picture of Lauren Mallory on my leg, I'd tell her it looked great.

" Wow Alice that's pretty." I'm not lying either. The beautiful intricate design runs from mid calve to the very tips of my toes. It looks absolutely stunning.

" Really? The crust needs to be wiped off and you'll be able to see it better and then…."

I have to cut off her adorable rant, as if her work wouldn't be anything but perfect. " Really. Its amazing Alice, thank you."

" Oh good, I'll just go and get…" She try's to stifle her gasp but fails and darts to the bathroom and is back at my feet in a second with a towel and a bowl.

" Edward is an impatient twit and will be back in 2 minutes." She whispers in a rush, while gently wiping of the dried henna on my legs.

Damn it. I didn't think this through thoroughly. How am I supposed to convince him that we are not a pair of devious, evil plotting geniuses. Easy, there's not genius in sight just a couple of stupid morons. He's going to see straight through this. If my guilt isn't clearly written all over my face, then my erratic heart will surly give me away.

" Calm it Bella he'll just think that you're excited to see him, but you _will_ tip him off if you start to hyperventilate." I try halting my inner panic attack and take a couple of deep breaths. Crap who am I kidding inside I'm a mess. This is all Alice's fault. Deep breaths Bella.

" There you go all done." blinking up at me with a devilish grin, then looking back to my legs-then looking around the room-then back to my legs. She is making him see and I immediately try to arrange my features to false calm when she starts to walk backwards towards the window and mouths, 'wait for it. 3.2.1' And with a loud bang the door burst open.

Hot damn. Who needs Sergeant Masen.

Edward. Check.

Dirty. Check.

Ripped shirt. Check.

Wild eyes. Check.

Looking wild in general. Double Check.

Now me. I see myself smarter than dream Bella, so I keep my trap firmly shut and go for a puzzled look instead. But he doesn't seem to notice as his eyes are now glued to my legs scanning them from the tips of my toes, following the design all the way to my calves. But don't stop there, they continue there path upwards and it seems they are burning holes in me. Looking down I realize the silk has ridden up and is only just covering my panties. The tops of my thighs can feel the heat from his gaze and automatically squeeze together. Panic starts to override the shock as I start to feel lost. What do I, what do I do? _Shut it Bella, just keep quiet and go with it. _But what if he figures it out? _He wont if you keep it shut. _But..

My inner battle with myself is abruptly stopped with a whirl of colours and a rush of air. I'm snatched off the bed and deposited on his.

" I like this." he breathes. His eyes snap to mine and then back to my legs.

" I like this very much." And I have to bite my lip to keep in the sounds that try to escape as he kneels between my open legs, taking my right foot in his hand and starts to trace the pattern with his fingers. The look of pure hunger on his face is enough to set my insides alight. I squirm under his gaze as I feel the moisture soaking through my underwear. I'm so turned on I'm paralyzed, wanting needing anything to stop this foreign heat thats started to spread through my body.

This time I don't catch the whimper that slips out. His head snaps up and with a growl and he pounces, traps me, pins me and I'm gone. His hips pressing me firmly against the bed and I feel him _right there._

My eyes widen and its enough for a coherent thought to slip through.

The book damn it, he needs to read the book. _Oh fuck the book._

Thighs gripping hips, hands grabbing hair. He's so hard, so _fuck…._

I'm a Panting mess and innocent Bella has left the building as I attack his mouth, all lips teeth and tongue. Licking, nipping, sucking. I want to devour him.

The continuous rumble coming from his chest tells me he feels the same. He kisses me back plunging his tongue in my mouth and thrusts, once, twice and on the third my head falls back and my mouth pops open.

" Oh God yes." I never knew… I…

" _fuck." _His pitch black eyes snap open at my curse and his hips start to pump at a faster pace and _he's_ the one to attack _my_ mouth.

His tongue laps at me, my lips, my tongue, my teeth and down to my throat, groaning at the taste of the fine sheen of sweat coating my skin and its too much. Too much sensation, too much building, too much unknown.

" Edward…. Ungh."

He growls out and my body can do nothing but obey. My spine snaps up and the heat intensifies and my legs start to shake. _oh god _

" Bella, Bella, so… fuck mine. Bella, argh, _please…_" he grunts through gritted teeth.

I'm not sure if actual words come out. but hearing his desperate plea I cry out as wave after wave of absolute ecstasy crashes through my body, blurring my vision and setting me alight from the inside out. As I experience my first ever orgasm, two rough thrusts before he stills and follows and I can feel him twitch and shake as he calls out my name.

We lay there foreheads touching, breathing hard and I reach up and stroke his beautiful face in thanks for what we have just shared. His lids slowly lift and he gazes down at me with so much love my answering smile is blinding. And I cant find it in me to care that we have probably just claimed the title of the quickest dry hump in history. The past 4 minutes have been the best 4 minutes in my entire life.

Sadly Edward obviously disagrees.

His eyes widen and the black fades to gold as if coming out of a trance. He scrambles of the bed and his hands start to tug furiously at his hair, as he try's to angle his lower half away from my line of sight. But the evidence is far too visible and is seeping through the front of his pants and he looks down, ashamed.

_Oh no_

" Bella that was…." _perfect?_ " We should of …" _got naked?_ " I could of…" _gone another round?_ I don't mind filling in the blanks, I really don't but hearing my perfectly eloquent vampire stutter Is slightly worrying.

" It was dangerous." Shaking his head and exhaling sharply, his shoulders slumping in defeat, he turns towards the door.

" I'll use the shower across the hall, you can use this one." No eye contact no nothing. Just the click of the bedroom door, that I'm gaping at in shock. Is that it? I need a fucking _shower._ I don't even get a chance to _speak?_

The Bastard.

Not a chance.

Oh hell no. I jump up and strip off and storm across the hall to the bathroom naked as they day I was born.

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	5. MIA

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight I'm just playing**

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Chapter 5. M.I.A.

Fifteen seconds. that's how long it had taken for me to realize that the window next to the shower was open. Fifteen seconds to realize that I'm now all alone in one of the Cullen's many bathrooms completely starker's.

I am so tempted to drive his vanquish to La Push and leave it there, I'm so tempted that its not even funny.

Its not funny at all because he left.

He left.

Why?

What if…_don't go there Bella._

God this has got to stop. He cant keep avoiding like this, every time. Deep heart wrenching sadness replaces the anger I was feeling, I can feel the tightness of it in my chest. Its actually painful.

Not caring that I'm still naked I go back to his room and put my clothes back on. Not bothering with the underwear, I'm too fed up to care.

He just gave me my first orgasm and he acted like it was the worst thing in the world, and ran. Shaking my head, and turning back, I head to the guest room next to his.

I need a clear head and that's not going to happen if he crawls into bed with me as if nothing happened.

Part of me, the part that a couple of days ago would of done nothing, just curled up in bed and gone to sleep disappointed. Because that's what he does when things get to be too much, freezes and flees.

And I just curl up and wait for him to return. But now, now I just cant.

My eyes have been opened and I'm seeing myself and our relationship clearly. Instead of pretending problems are not there or simply ignoring them in hope that they'll go away. They wont. It kills me, in a way. Knowing that we're not perfect, it was so much easier pretending we were.

But we cant live that way.

He's perfect to me and I'm perfect to him we just need to be perfect together.

Closing the door and locking it I crawl into the big blue bed and stare at the door. I know he'll be upset with the change in sleeping arrangements but I cant have him dazzling me and making me forget the problems I need to solve.

It feels like hours ago, when in reality its been no more than twenty minutes since I was sat in Alice's room panicking about what he would say. And boy was I wrong about that.

I cant deny that I was shocked at his reaction, I still am. I was too shocked and caught up in my own, to react to his. Never have I seen that sort of passion, that fire in his eyes. The way he loomed over me, held me captive, dominating, demanding. And his words, god that was so hot.

" _Bella, Bella, so… fuck mine. Bella, argh_, _please…_"

Only just realizing that my hand had ventured between my legs, when I felt the wetness on my fingers. Damn now is not the time to try and re-enact our brief, but oh so mind blowing encounter. And yeah, I kinda need a shower.

No damn it, I'm not a child to be told what to do all the time. That's part of the whole problem, he's used to control. And now here I am bringing out everything in him that he thought was long gone. Feelings he never thought he'd feel, a future he never thought he'd have. Everything becoming new and unknown taking away any option for control. And that is something he is not used too, so he fights it and tries to control us instead, denying us both in the process.

If there's one thing I've learned about Edward, its that he doesn't like to fail. Even from the beginning, when he wanted nothing more than to give in and take my blood and embrace that part of his nature, he didn't. He could not fail himself or Carlisle. So he tethered it, reigned it in, _controlled_ it.

And his desire for me is no different, it brings out the other part of him the part that laid dormant for ninety odd years. If he takes away that control he could hurt me in the process and he sees that as failing us both.

I understand this, in fact I think I understand more than he does. Loosening his control and experiencing the 17year old part of himself is unknown, and it's the unknown and the reactions to that, that he fears could harm me. He just doesn't trust himself enough not too.

This is more complicated than I originally thought

The book was a bust, _no it wasn't, he just hasn't read it Bella give him a chance._ No it wasn't, but it does need work

Which brings me back to my epiphany, I need to help him fight his fear and help him gain trust in himself and _that _is what he needs to control. Not the situation, but the trust he cant find and the fear that's controlling him. That's what's holding him back. He doesn't even see it, and its heart breaking.

Oh Edward. My poor 17 year old lost, frightened boy.

Tears stream down my face. I don't wipe them away, they are there for him.

I jump out from underneath the covers so I can go get the journal, I just hope he hasn't come back yet. Seeing him now would do no good, I'd be unable to verbalize my thoughts. So adding them to the journal is the only option.

In the hall I notice the bathroom door ajar, just how I left it. Unless he came back another way he's not here yet so I head straight into his room. And no he's not back. Even though I wanted to be able to get the journal unseen it still hurts knowing that he thinks he has to hide from me. Grabbing what I came for I turn back I and go straight to the big blue bed that doesn't smell of apples and cinnamon, clutching the book like a life line and settling back I write a post scrip that includes the last hour hoping to enlighten him on all things he's missing through fear.

I must of dozed off at some point because a whispered breath across my cheek makes me stir.

" I love you. Please forgive me." blinking away sleep, my eyes focus on the crouched form at the side of the bed. Its still dark so I cant of slept long. My arm reaches out for him but drops half way due to my sleepy state.

He snatches it up quickly and starts to murmur apologies into my palm. A stream of, _I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I love you, _brings me back to the present and wakes me completely.

" Edward can yo…" I try to speak and sit up but he stops me with his other hand, resting it on my shoulder keeping my down.

" Shhh go back to sleep Bella its late." No I'm completely awake and I need him. It feels like we've been miles apart for too long.

" No. Can you turn the light on please, I missed you." My voice is a whisper but there's no room for argument in my tone.

Still holding my hand, he strokes my face with the other. I cant see his face clearly but I know he's not looking at me and he stalls worrying me.

" Ok, but can I just say something first? I need to apologize before I do anything?" Yes you do Mr , bolting on me like that, it was terrible.

" Please Bella?" All I can do is nod I have only ever heard this type pleading from him once before and sobers me instantly.

" I'm deeply truly sorry Bella. My behaviour was despicable, I cant begin to imagine how I must of made you feel. Can you forgive me, please say you can forgive me?" All I see is two golden eyes in the darkness boring into mine, so desperate and scared.

" Edward really its ok. If you needed space to calm down that's fine, but I wished you would have told me I worried when I couldn't fin….

" I'm not apologizing for leaving I'm apologizing for my actions before I left," My eyes widen and at his bitter hateful tone. " What I did to you, how I treated you, I may as well have forced myself upon you. I was a disgusting savage who ravished, when I should of cherished." Dropping his head in shame he starts to mutter furiously to himself. " I basically rutted on you like the animal that I am." And that's all I catch as his words spill out far to fast for me to hear. I probably wouldn't of heard him anyway, because my mind is replaying the words, _savage, ravished _and _rutted,_ over and over.

This is where I become torn. Horny Bella has woke from her post coital slumber and is humping the air like a rabid dog with the mention of those words coming from Edwards lips. And it's a good job innocent Bella has entered the building to help me beat her down. Because really, now is not the time. He needs my help, he's in pain and in turn, that pains me. Even though the thought of being _ravished_ again sounds mighty fine. Shaking off that thought I do the only thing I can think of, the only thing that will help him stop all crap that is spewing from his mouth right now. So I silence him mid rant.

" Enough." my tone is harsh, but tough he needs to shut the hell up.

" Bella…" Good he sounds shocked. Its probably cruel but he needs to stop so I can get through to him.

" Get up Edward." And he looks heartbroken, like I'm not going to forgive him. But I keep my stern façade. He might be quiet long enough for me to knock some sense into that that thick skull of his.

Blinking at me for a second he rises and backs away slowly like I might explode at any second. I swing my legs round to the edge of the bed so I can get up, but hearing his harsh intake of breath reminds me my lack of underwear. He couldn't see anything, but he definitely smelt it. Ha a bit of torture should do him good. Serves him right for saying such horrid things about himself.

Keeping my composure completely I stand and take his hand and lead him out of the guest room and straight to his. To his credit he doesn't speak and willing follows.

Stopping at the at the side of his bed I turn around all business.

" Sit." Pointing to the bed

" Wha…"

" Sit. Back against the headboard please and I'll be right back." not giving him a chance to respond I turn on my heal and go straight to the other room .

Shit, shit, shit. I really didn't want to this but he has left me no choice.

I could just throw it at him and run off? Rolling my eyes at myself I pick up the journal. Don't be ridiculous, I'll just sit with my back to him so he cant see my face.

_Real mature Bella._ Shut it, I didn't expect to have to read it too him.

But it's the only way, I can see it not having the same effect if he read this to himself. So with that I take a deep breath I walk into his room and close the door.

He is exactly where I told him to be. Good that will make it easier. He misses nothing though and his eyes zero in on the journal in my hand. Fear is still there but its making room for curiosity.

I climb up onto the bed at his feet and sit back on my heels. With my free hand I take hold of his left ankle and slide it apart from his right, slowly. _It starts now Edward._

His mouth pops open and I raise my eyebrows daring him to question me, and he snaps it shut.

Shuffling up between his parted knees I raise my fingers to his lips.

" You need to stop with this." I place a gentle kiss on his beautiful lips. And a small smile curves my lips.

" And you really need to stop over thinking with this." Tapping his forehead with the same two fingers. Leaning back I wait for him to acknowledge my request. But he looks at me like I've lost the plot. With a sigh I carry on.

" Can you just not interrupt until I've completely finished please?" Jeez still with the look.

" Can you promise me Edward that you will let me finish. This is going to be difficult for me. It was originally intended for you to read by yourself, but I can see now, that's not going to work. So can you promise to keep quiet until I have finished speaking? Please Edward." If he stops me at any point I don't think I would be able to continue.

" Anything Bella. Of course." His knuckles skim my cheek and his eyes are so bright, with so much love, I know that if I asked him for the moon he'd search the earth for a way to get me it. Silly, silly man I only need him only ever needed him.

" Thank you." with one last kiss and a happy sigh I turn and sit between his legs, with my back against his chest.

" Relax." He hasn't moved a muscle, so I have to take his arms and wrap them around my waist. And his body automatically unlocks and his chin goes to my shoulder. I feel safe and loved, and I pick up the book and open at the first page. Taking a deep breath I begin.

" _24th__ July 2006._

_My Edward,_

_Now before I start, don't panic and don't freak out. This is NOT a dear john."_

Oh God what was I thinking? Did I even check this through when I finished? No idiot you fell asleep. Great. Just great. Now get on with it before he does 'freak out'. Clearing my throat I carry on with a tremor in my voice and crimson cheeks.

" _there is a few things I would like to straighten out with you, and this is me we are talking about so it is far easier to write it down than, than try to physically speak the words. You will only distract me and I'll end up forgetting me own name, never mind what I wanted to talk to you about. And this way there is no uncertainties, no embarrassment. Just my complete unedited thoughts."_

That worked out well bright spark. I cringe to myself because really where is the future seeing 00-E-G when you need her.

" _First I would like to apologise. You always comment on my maturity and my selflessness. But I don't deserve that praise. I've been nothing but selfish and stubborn and immature. And for…_

" Bella no!" his outburst makes me jump and knocks the wind out of me. With my left hand I sooth the hands gripping my waist.

" You promised."

"But that's…" he sounds mad but I need to do this for him.

" Please. Let me finish." the snap of his teeth tell me I'm free to carry on.

" _And for that I am truly sorry. You have done nothing but give, and me nothing but take._

_I have thought about this and if you will let me I would like to explain my behaviour. You probably are not going to like where I begin but I need you to promise to keep reading. This needs to be said and I want us to have a clean slate when we get married. I want our happy ever after._

_I don't really remember much of the beginning. We both know that the first couple of months after my birthday were hideous and I don't need to torture us both going into that again. But I have to tell you this. When Jacob offered me his friendship I took hold of it with both hands. I am ashamed to admit that at the start it was nothing to do with Jacob at all. It was what he offered, minutes of the day that were not spent in constant agony. I used him to make that pain go away. Even if it only took a small part, it was enough to actually breath again without feeling I was going to fall apart at any moment. _

_The more time I spent with him the more I noticed what a good friend he was actually becoming. And I started to enjoy his company, not just the buffer his presence brought. For short time I had a best friend again. I don't know if he saw the change, that I was actually there not just in body but in mind ( my soul left with you it will always be with you. Dead, alive, mortal, immortal its yours it always has been) but that's when I noticed that he was beginning to fall in love with me. And I was torn._

_I should of told him that, it was never going to be an option, that I could never feel anything for him like he was starting to feel for me. And in the process of doing that take away the one thing that eased my pain._

_So I did the unthinkable I said nothing I let him keep hoping just so that I would never be without his friendship and be back at the place I was before it. Because I purposely used him I have lost one of the best friends I could ever have. I've lost that chance, that is part of my punishment and I except that._

_I also have to live with the fact that I put you through that._

_I'm not excusing my actions but I think deep down all the times you forbid me, and tried to get me to stay away, made me desperate to cling onto him. Just in case. Even the day by the tent I knew it would hurt you but I couldn't lose him, just in case. Just in case you decided it best to leave again. I could honestly say that you wouldn't do that. But subconsciously my heart rebelled and a small part didn't want believe you, it needed to protect itself. And make sure the buffer would still be there to fall back on. And an even smaller part wanted to punish you for making that choice, to leave me in the first place. And I'm so sorry for that, for everything. I just hope one day you can forgive… _

Deep chest wracking sobs erupted and the book was torn from my hands as I was spun round and encased in his steal grip.

" Shhhhh Bella, I'm here. I love you. I'm here. I love you. There's nothing to forgive" he whispered into my hair and rocked us back and forth, almost franticly. Kissing my temple, my ears and tears, whispering 'I love you' over and over.

Not stopping only slowing when my sobs did.

Raising my head I kiss the underside of his jaw and squeeze his bicep signalling him that I'm all right and I can carry on. But he tightens his grip and whispers to me in a strangled voice, and I know if he could he would be sobbing with me. And I have to beat down the new sobs that threaten to burst out.

" Never. Never will I leave you. Ever Bella you have to believe that. You have too."

" I do. That is past us now, I just wanted you to understand everything. And anyway I'm not quite finished." I peak up at him and give him a small mischievous grin. I turn to my reading position and pick up where I left off, with rough voice and wet cheeks.

" … _you can forgive me. And anyway you wont be so lucky next time as I will hunt you down, drag you back and kick your ass."_

He barks out a laugh at that, which is good I wanted to steer away from morbid for the next bit. Where the first part made me feel the shame, the next part is going to be so excruciatingly embarrassing it will be off the scale.

Bracing myself, I internally berate my idiocy for not checking what I wrote and making him sit and listen through what is sure to mortifying for both of us.

The heat of my blush and fast pace of my heart can be mistaken for the upset of the past few minutes. But not for long. I shrink back start in a small squeaky voice

" _Anyway all that is behind us and I hope we can move forward._

_There is however something else that I don't think you understand. I love you. Everything about you. The way you say my name when I haven't seen you for a day. Or you look at me like I'm the most amazing thing you have ever seen, when you think I'm not looking. Down to the way the left side of your jaw ticks when I disagree with you, but you don't say anything. _

_When you smile that beautiful smile your right ear raise slightly higher making them uneven. You even talk to yourself, thinking I cant hear you. Things like ' she's mine' 'god I love her' 'so beautiful'._

_And all that is just the smallest part of it, the rest is indescribable. I cannot truthfully put into words how much I love you. And I don't think you quite grasp that I'm in love with …. even the thought of you being my husband. _

_Your words, I know them by heart. They are on repeat in my head daily._

' _Isabella Swan. I promise to love you forever, every single day of forever. Will you marry me.'_

_Its just, I don't think I was clear to you that it wasn't just a bargain. At first the idea of marriage made me cringe. Not you, never you. It was drilled into me from a young age and that word automatically triggered mum and dads teachings on the subject. But now, when the word marriage is spoken in any conversation. The only the that goes through my mind is 'I'm going to be Mrs Edward Cullen'._

_And just so you know, nothing will stop that. Nothing will take me away from you or you from me._

_Not even you Edward. I know you're afraid and my automatic answer when you voice those fears is to say that you wont harm me. I think I need to clarify._

_There's factors that I cant quite understand yet as i am still human. But you told me that your instincts may kick in. and that would be dangerous. But don't you see? You conquered that from the very beginning. You didn't love me that first day, the strongest urge to your kind, and you beat it. You caged it and kept it locked up. Then you trusted_ _yourself to be with me and love me and keep me. And that is what I am doing. I don't know that you wont hurt me. I'm trusting you not too. _

_You need to find that trust again and you need to stop letting that fear control you, you need to control it. __And take back what you deserve, because you deserve to trust yourself you have earned that right by just being you. Then maybe you'll see that our wedding night isn't something to be feared. And if we take one step at a time and learn about each other in that way, we will know what to expect and have the wedding and honeymoon and future we both deserve. _

_And isn't there some unspoken rule about; the Mrs and whining and only one way to shut her up?_

_I think I'll have to start whining more ;)_

_I love you_

_I am yours,_

_You are mine,_

_Completely._

_Your dear heart_

_Bella x"_

There. Done. Sort of. I'm not reading the Ps, no way my cheeks are already at critical and he hasn't moved since I mention honeymoon. So no not yet. My eyes are tightly shut and I cant turn my head as let out a nervous laugh. It wasn't that bad, right? But I stutter out like a complete buffoon before I can stop myself anyway.

" There's a Ps but we'll get to that later. I 'm kind of tired, and well I er.. You know… uh …" His hand on my cuts off my rant and he manoeuvres us round so we are laid wrapped up in each other side by side.

" Can I just hold you… I need to hold you… No more words… Just let me hold you."

His tone catches me off guard. I expected the eye roll silly Bella tone. But this is new so I open my eyes, and what I see makes my eyes tear.

There he is, my; scared-man-boy-immortal-indestructible-beautiful fallen angel, the list could go on. I have never seen all of him at once in one look. But now he's there all of him and I think he gets it. Finally sees himself clearly. He clings to me like he has seen _me_ for the first time and I feel weightless and content like i never have before. It drags me down and I fall fast into unconsciousness with his deep ragged breaths as my lullaby.

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**A big Thanx to delilah69, Edwards-girl-4-ever, Jennmc75 and opal aline for you reviews. And everyone who added me to there faves and alerts. **

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